Reflection (Those Dang Postpartum Hormones)

I think my postpartum hormones are in overdrive. Here's the crash-boom-bang I was waiting for in the early days after Aden was born. There's no tears welling up behind my eyes and it's definitely nothing as severe as PPD ... I've just felt very "reflective" about my life and loved ones lately.

Oh, and I've got a left eye twitch that just won't quit. It has nothing to do with the fact that I'm running on to zero sleep. Nope. Nothing to do with that little fact, I'm sure. Whenever I'm talking with someone and my eye starts twitching like crazy, I feel like I'm losing it.

My hair's also falling out like nobody's business. Gotta love that little postpartum side effect. Poor little Aden's clothes are covered in hair most days and I was even pulling strands out of his neck rolls this past weekend. Man, it's rough being this little dude.

Love him.

Anyway, it's my emotions that have me really thrown for a loop lately. A pillow-talk conversation with Andi last week left me reeling for more one-on-one time with him. Thankfully, it was my birthday week and Andi's parents watched the kids several different days so we had some kid-free time to go out to dinner, snowmobiling with friends at the cabin, etc. We're very lucky to have them for support. Again, I digress ... It was one of many conversations about our five-year plan that left me thinking about "us." (Why I'm over-analyzing this to death is beyond me because it's one of those things that's so hard to plan anyway. I couldn't have forecasted how wonderful our life would be at this very moment back in 2008. In the last five years, we've gotten married, started a business, had two kids, bought two houses and a cabin.)

But, during our conversation of Where Do We See Our Lives Going, the topic of Third Baby came up (which is crazy because Second Baby just got here; that's postpartum hormones for you) and Andi said how much he misses Us. And, man, I really miss us, too. We love our kids to the moon and back, but these little kid years of parenting are so physically demanding. Between work, kids, running a home and all the other things ... there just isn't a lot of time left for Andi and Heather the Couple. I think we're doing a good job of making time for us with date nights a few times a month, etc. I hope it's enough to sustain our relationship until Tory and Aden become a little more independent. What if Third Baby comes to existence? We'll love he/she to pieces of course, but it's just that much longer And and Heather the Couple are put on the back-burner. It's just a lot to ponder. I think in time we'll know which fork in the road is best to venture downward, but yeah. Deep stuff. With all this reflection, I'm trying to remind myself how lucky we are to have one another and just enjoy the moment we're in today. The days are long, but the years are short .... and all that jazz.

I've also been trying to put myself in Andi's shoes more these days. My husband works so hard to provide for our family, and sometimes I think I take his efforts for granted. When I'm able, I'm trying to pick up a little extra in the parenting / home life department to give him more breathing room. Like the last few weeks, for example, when he's had several big work projects going on. If I can get up with both kids in the night and let him sleep or give him a little "me time" in the evenings to come down from his day, I'm trying to be more cognizant and do so. It's not always easy because I seriously want to pounce him for adult conversation the minute he walks in the door every night, but I'm trying.

I've been thinking a lot about my Tory Girl and I as well. She and I used to spend (nearly) every minute of every day together. Since Aden was born, we've had to find our new groove and I've split my attention between the two. A post Mama Tully wrote a few weeks ago made me realize I need to carve out specific time for Tory and I to spend together. Of course we're together 24/7 the way it is, but I want to find some "meaningful" time to be together because I don't want to fall into the role of custodial parent. So, I lined up Grandma Janie to babysit Aden this week and Tory and I are going on a little date day afternoon. I'm really excited. A few different times, I've found myself wanting to invite friends to accompany us and I've had to stop and remind myself that, no, this time is all about Tory and I. Who knew just "hanging out" with her would be such a challenge. I still haven't nailed down plans for our afternoon together yet. More to come on that one ....

Of course, I want to do the same for Aden when he gets a little older. For now, I'm really trying to be present in the time he and I are together. We spend several hours a day nursing, so I've been focusing on putting my phone and computer away and segregating ourselves from everything else (when possible) so I can just be with him. I think Aden really appreciates my undivided attention and I know he nurses better when there's less distraction.

As crazy-pants as I feel half the time, like I'm barely making all this work, I also feel good about being more present in my time with Andi, Tory and Aden. I hope this sticks and makes a difference in my relationship with each one of them.

Postpartum Update

Alright. The holidays are over and it's time to kick my postpartum weight loss into gear. Aden is eight weeks old now, so any weight loss that was destined to happen on its own has likely already taken place. The rest is up to me...

The normal (ha!) Heather usually diets by scaling back on food. I know. Sad, but true. It's not the healthiest way to lose weight, but I hate working out and it's the way I've lost weight in the past. Since I'm nursing, however, I need to keep my calories up and I want to make sure I'm passing along enough nutrition to my little guy so a slimmed down diet isn't in the cards. I don't feel the need to join a formal weight loss program either, so my plan of attack is to make healthier choices and eat sensible portions. We'll see how it goes.

The Details:
Baby was born at: 40 weeks, 6 days

Total pregnancy weight gain: 35 pounds

Total weight loss since birth: 22 pounds / 13 pounds to go

Back into your old clothes yet?: Yes, barely. All of my pre-pregnancy shirts and some of my pre-pregnancy jeans/pants are wearable, but fit tightly. Darn those giant breastfeeding boobs! I really should be wearing a size bigger in most shirts because of my chest, but luckily it's wintertime and I can get away with wearing casual pull-overs and hoodies most days. I do have two pairs of skinny jeans that still won't button but otherwise my pants/jeans fit with a little muffin top hanging over the sides.

Mental status: Honestly, I'm not expecting to drop down to my pre-pregnancy weight anytime soon. I dropped 10 pounds in the months after I quit my job and started staying home with Tory full-time. That was without even trying to lose weight; just a matter of more home cooking and portion control. That pre-pregnancy weight was the least I'd weighed since my sophomore year in college and I doubt I'll get back there for some time (if ever). I'm okay with that.

Goals: We're vacationing in Cabo in six weeks and I really want to feel confident in my swimming suit ... even if it's just a tankini. I'd also like my jeans to fit comfortably.

Reality check - Photo time:

8 weeks postpartum

...and just a friendly reminder it was all worth it ;)

So, healthier eating habits are here to stay. Tory and I have been into making smoothies lately, and I feel like that's a good way for both of us to up our fruits and veggies. I pre-assembled smoothie packets as mentioned here and that's been really helpful during the day. I've also been making quite a few Weight Watchers dinners for Andi and I and most of them have been quite tasty. Let's hope I see some results in the next few weeks.

Ten Things I Did to Prepare for Life With Two Kids

Aden's been in our lives for a few weeks now and I'm slowing adjusting to life with two kiddos. The thought of being alone with both Tory amd Aden felt overwhelming to me during pregnancy but now that it's happened, going about everyday life with both of them isn't as challenging as I thought it would be.

There were a few things I did pre-birth to help make the transition to life with two kids just a little easier on myself. I'm a Type-A personality, so I knew I had to plan and prepare wherever possible to save myself anguish down the road.

Here's a few things I did to help prepare for life with two:

1. I set goals for household "nesting" projects and stuck to it. I wanted the kid's playroom moved downstairs, the new baby's nursery completed and Tory transitioned to a big girl bed with a minimum thirty day cushion before Aden was born. The downstairs storage room needed a good cleaning, as the garage and the pantry closet by the front door. I know it wouldn't have been the end of the world if these projects weren't finished by the time Aden was born, but it would've nagged me until they were done. And, it was far easier to decorate and organize with one toddler vs. one toddler and a newborn baby.    
2. I prepped three month's worth of make-ahead freezer meals. I remember how difficult it was to find my way back to the kitchen after Tory was born, and I wanted to be more prepared this time around. Normally, I like to buy sustainable / organic foods for to prepare our meals, but I took the opportunity to shortcut and visited Let's Dish to pre-assemble meals at an in-store session. This method is typically more expensive than what I'd spend on groceries but the convenience was worth it. 
3. I use online grocery delivery. I'm lucky to have such a service available. It really isn't much more expensive than regular grocery store trips and for the convenience, I think it's justified. One of the local grocery stores also does car-side pick-up which I plan to utilize when I take two kids to the grocery store.
4. I hired a house cleaner.  I really struggled with this one initially because as a stay-at-home-mom and household manager, it feels like this is part of my job. But, it also stress me out to have a dirty house and with so many visitors and no time to clean up myself, I knew it'd help keep me sane. I know how fortunate I am to afford this luxury and I likely won't keep the cleaner forever, but to get me through the first few months of newborn life, it's worth it. 
5. I taught my toddler to be more independent. A few months before Aden was born, I worked with Tory on becoming more independent. I suppose it worked out well since most two-year-olds strive to do things themselves anyway, but I made a few simple arrangements to help the process. I bought a step stool and toilet ring so Tory could use the bathroom by herself. We worked on her pulling her own underwear up and down at the potty so I didn't have to be there to help every step of the way (though, truthfully, she's still not there completely with this one). I made a shelf with toddler-friendly snacks like applesauce packets, yogurt packets, packs of raisins and crackers. She can't open the snack containers on her own, but she can retrieve them and bring them for me to open. I also loaded up on adult-friendly snacks for me (granola bars, trail mix, etc.)
6. I loaded up on stamps. In the weeks prior to Aden's birth, I purchased several packs of postage stamps for the countless thank-you's to be sent to friends and family. Thank-you notes (and their timeliness) are something I feel very strong about, so I wanted to make sure I had everything on hand to offer my thanks to everyone who helped us in one way or another. 
7. I wrote a detailed daily activity list for Tory well in advance. Luckily, my in-laws are fairly familiar with Tory's schedule, so I didn't have to worry much about her day-to-day schedule in my absence. However, I still wrote out a detailed list of Tory's daily schedule, activities she's signed up for with addresses and phone numbers well in advance should they need a reference point. I suggested foods she liked (and made sure to have those things in house).
8. I told my friends and family exactly which baby items I needed. Not to sound too pushy, but with the second baby there were specific things I needed as gifts. For me, it was gender-specific outfits, bibs, socks and a new swing. I didn't want to be making trips to the store in the weeks after Aden's arrival or forced to launder the same three sleepers every few days, so I got specific to help others give gifts I needed most. I also borrowed extra newborn baby boy clothes from a friend, just to cover my bases. I wasn't sure what size Aden would be at birth, so I wanted to have plenty of clothes on hand in case he'd be wearing Size Newborn for a while.
9. I accepted help when it was offered. With Tory, I remember feeling guilty accepting help from others, and I even felt like my loved ones wouldn't be able to care for her as well as I could. This time, I know my trusted circle of friends and family are completely capable. If someone offers to help, I suggest something they can do (laundry, cook meals, clean up, play with Tory) and take advantage of their offer to let me spend some one-on-one time with my baby boy or even take a quick shower. I also forced myself to relax when it wasn't done just as I would've completed it. Help is help and so long as the task at hand is being completed, it's okay. No one will die if the dishwasher isn't loaded correctly or laundry is folded different than usual. 
10. I purchased and wrapped Christmas presents in October. Having a baby in mid-November, and at the beginning of the holiday season, could have been stressful. I'm a perfectionist by nature and I wanted to enjoy crafting and baking during the holiday season. So, I prepared as much as I could by shopping and wrapping beforehand. I also put up my Christmas decorations well before the Thanksgiving holiday arrived. It's taboo, I know, but I had the available time a few weeks ago and I don't exactly have it now. This leaves only baking and crafts to complete with Tory in December and I'm setting myself up with low expectations on what I'll complete so any fun family activity feels like a win. 

I'm Different, Baby

I've been thinking a lot lately about how pregnancy and motherhood has changed me. I'm different in all the ways you'd suspect I would but there are strange, simple things that are so different about me now than say, a year ago at this time. Here are just a few: 

• I haven't worn a real bra since August. These days, I'm strictly a non-wire nursing bra wearing kind of girl. There was a time in my life I wouldn't have stepped foot in public without the perky support of a Victoria's Secret bra and now I'm not sure I can ever go back.
• Speaking of underthings ... thongs are a thing of the past. As my pregnant body grew along with my hips, I opted for more comfortable cotton underwear (not granny panties per se, just some cute undies which provided more coverage on the backside) and now I don't think I'll ever go back to the world of thong underwear. How on Earth did I wear something so uncomfortable all those years? My girlfriend Ellie (newlywed, no kids) and I were having this conversation a few weeks ago and she was FLOORED when I told her I don't wear thongs anymore. "What the heck do you wear?" she asked. Cotton undies, my friend, because when you're married and a mother comfort trumps sex appeal and panty lines all day long (at least in my mind).
• Boobs are all I can talk about. I'm sure the topic will pass when I'm no longer nursing Tory, but lately it seems like all I think about is boobs. The way mine feel (engorged or full or empty or sore or whatever). Am I getting enough milk? Will my boobs be down to my knees after they've been squeezed and massaged and sucked every three hours for a year? I'm pretty sure the girls at work are fed up to HERE with my constant commentary about boobs throughout the day.   
• I like meat and oranges. I used to be a pretty simple girl. Chips, Diet Coke, iced coffee and cereal. I swear that's all I ever ate. That was before I had a baby growing inside me and before the nourishment I take in helps to supply the milk my child eats too. I wouldn't say I'm the healthiest eater now, but I have noticed my taste profile changing completely since I had a baby. I  crave meat now, for example, which is something I used to practically force-feed myself. I'll actually make dinner for myself in the evenings (even when Andi's working) because I know I need to eat something substantial (even though I make him a plate and when he comes home he says, oh sorry honey I ate dinner at work. GAH!!!). I bought a bag of clementines a few weeks ago and they tasted like heaven on Earth. Clementines? I used to hate oranges. These days, I can only drink about a half a can of Diet Coke before it just doesn't sound good anymore and iced coffee makes me jittery as hell. Breakfast has suddenly become my most essential meal of the day. If I don't eat it, I'm toast ... literally.
• Taking a shower is the most peaceful part of my day. Pre-baby, I was a shower hater. I mean, I took them because I had to, but I dreaded getting up earlier than required in the mornings, drying my hair; the works. I seriously invented various ways to pin my hair back or wear a headband all in the name of hiding my greasy hair. Stepping out of the shower all cold and wet is one of my least favorite feelings. It must stem from some deeply-rooted regressed childhood memory or something. But now, NOW! showers are glorious. Standing in warm water for 10 uninterrupted minutes (especially on those days when Andi doesn't bring Tory into the bathroom to see 'what mom's up to') is heavenly. Ten minutes to do nothing but close my eyes and stand there and relax. I am in love with showering these days.
• Crime dramas creep me out. My DVR used to be packed full of CSI, Criminal Minds and 48 Hours Mystery. Curling up in bed with my laptop and Nancy Grace's latest story on a missing person was one of my favorite past times. And now? I am completely freaked by all of these shows. Watching a show about all the scary monsters of the world sends me into a panic attack and more so, how the heck do I protect my child from all of them?
• I cry at the drop of a hat. This commerical sends me into a full-on tear fest. I saw this commercial about veterans while I was watching the Nebraska game on Monday and started sobbing. Holy cow, I've become an emotional wreck when it comes to anything that tugs at the heartstrings. I never used to be like that before.
• My self image has changed. Pre-baby, I wouldn't say I was obsessed with being thin but I was very 'aware' of the way my body looked. I didn't go so far as to work out or anything - whoa, whoa, whoa, that's a lot of work - but I definitely monitored the way my clothes fit and the number staring back at me on the scale. A few weeks after I had Tory, I felt impatient as I waited to hit that magic number again and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about the way my body would look post-baby. But honestly, it doesn't really matter to me anymore. I finally did hit my pre-pregnancy weight about a month ago and eventually my body just regulated back to it (as many of you said it would). I definitely LOOK different than I did before having a baby (more saggy in the mid-section) and I still have my linea nigra stripe down my stomach. My pelvis doesn't contour the way it did before but you know what, whatever. I'm proud of myself for giving birth to another human life. It's a miracle what the female body can do and I look at my jiggly belly and remember there was a little baby in there not that long ago.
• I never, NEVER, question another parent's methods. Before Andi and I became parents, we'd always say things like "we're never giving our kid this" or "we'll never do that." But then you're suddenly put into that very situation and you know what? Sometimes you do what you do to survive. I will never again question the way other people raise their kids (as long as they're safe and well-cared for, obviously) because every child is different and you never know what you'll do until you're there.

I wonder what other things will change about me as I grow into the role of parenting? Or I wonder if my perspective on things will shift back to the way I was before being a mom. It's just interesting, this parenting gig. It really does change your entire life, in every aspect.

Guess Who's Back?

So I, um, got my period.

I was pretty shocked to wake up yesterday to the arrival of good ol' Aunt Flow. I haven't seen her since October 2010 and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little surprised by her arrival. I'm exclusively breastfeeding and just about everyone I know who nurses their baby had to all but stop doing so in order for their cycles to return to normal. I suspect mine is early for one of two reasons:

1. After doing some online reading, (where would I be without BabyCenter?) it could be because Tory has recently started sleeping through the night. Well, not ALL NIGHT, but close. Lately, she's in bed by 9:00pm and sleeping straight through until 4:00am. After a quick feeding, she's back to sleep until 8:00am. We've had a few blessed nights of 9:00pm - 6:00am sleep and a few regressive 9:00pm - 3:00am / 3:30am - 6:00am / 6:30am - 9:00am nights as well. So, losing a feeding or two overnight could have caused my body to resume its menses. Or ...

2. Three weeks ago at my postpartum check-up, I decided to have the Mirena IUD implanted. I was all wishy-washy about what method of birth control I wanted to pursue, but ultimately decided some form of birth control was right for us ... at least for the time being. The idea of being pregnant at this very moment sort of throws me into a panic attack. I thought about taking my temps again but charting everyday (and obsessing over it like I did when we were trying to conceive) sounded liked a lot of work. So! An IUD it was.

Well, until it started to cause problems. Two weeks ago, I made an appointment with my OBGYN to have the IUD adjusted and it still wasn't any better. Let me side-step to remind you my sweet little Tory Girl still HATES her car seat and screams bloody murder every time she's in it. So a 30 minute drive to the doctor's office across town and through brutal I-94 construction isn't exactly something I enjoy doing every week. I could either have the IUD adjusted again which would likely mean I'd have to have a small same-day surgery to have it removed when we are ready to try for a baby again, or I could take it out now and go on the "mini pill," a progesterone-only birth control pill. I chose the mini pill. I am not going back to the doctor for the FOURTH TIME in four weeks.

I'm one of the lucky ones who's never had any issues with the standard birth control pill, so I had a few questions about how the mini pill was to be administered, and how it would affect by ability to nurse. My OBGYN was vague when answering my questions, only stressing I let her know as soon as I stop breastfeeding so I can switch to a combination progesterone / estrogen birth control pill. OK but, I still had questions...

I went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription and asked to speak to the pharmacist. A male pharmacist walks over (oh, great) and I asked him my questions.

ME: "Do I start taking this on a Sunday like the other birth control pill?"

PHARMACIST: "Yep." (Without even looking to see which type of birth control pill I was referring to).

ME: "Is this similar to the standard 28-day pill?"

PHARMACIST: "Um ..." (rips open drugstore package) "Yep, 28 pills here."

ME: "This is the progesterone-only pill. Is there anything special I need to know about this type of pill vs. the standard combination pill?"

PHARMACIST: "Ummm..." (Looks at package) "Nope, take one every day."

Thanks, buddy. Very reassuring. It's one thing to screw with my own body, but since another human being (my child!) solely relies on the things I ingest, I'd kind of like to be sure I do it right. Oh, and also there's the fact that another human being could be conceived if I screw it up!

So, I went home and googled "mini pill" to find the answers myself. AM SO THANKFUL I DID! Good lord. Apparently, this pill is less effective than other birth control methods because it contains progesterone only. It works by thickening the lining of the cervix to stop sperm from traveling to the fallopian tubes (not sure if anyone else cares about the logistics, but I found it interesting). Therefore, the mini pill is only effective for about 4-22 hours. It's vital it be consumed at exactly the same time everyday to ensure its effectiveness. (For example, if I take the pill at 9:00pm and have sex at 10:00pm it may not be in effect yet). Also, should my period resume (which is has) I should continue to take the mini pill every day, even through my period. There are no placebo pills in this version.

Uh ... HELLO! INFORMATION I THINK WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO LEARN ABOUT FROM SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN THE INTERNET!

So, all this to say I believe my period started as a result of stopping the IUD and waiting a few days before starting the mini pill (I start it on Sunday). I can't say I'm all that confident in this method, but it's really my only option since the IUD was problematic and I can't take a combination birth control pill until after I'm done nursing. I guess there's always condoms, but I'm not sure my husband will be thrilled about that option. So! I best be setting an alarm every day to take this darn mini pill. And if I tell you we're expecting far sooner than you think I should be, than (surprise!) I wasn't all that good at it.

Birth Control: To Be or Not To Be

A few days after I had Tory, I received a call from my OBGYN clinic inviting me to schedule a 6-week postpartum check-up. I happily did so over the phone (because I absolutely HATE doing things like calling to make appointments - I know, weird but for some reason I get all anxious-pants when I have to call and check into things, make appointments, etc. and I procrastinate until the very last minute. It drives my husband crazy).

Anyway ... while on the phone, the nurse asked what birth control method I was considering and I found this a little odd, to be honest. What business is it of the clinic's? Plus, this was the second time in a few days (as I had just been discharged from the hospital) someone had asked me about birth control methods post-baby. The other time was the morning after delivery when one of the attending physicians asked me in the hospital. I had to wonder - is the medical field that hard up for money they want me to jump back on birth control (specifically with a costly IUD, which is what both of them suggested in our conversations) or is it procedurally required they recommend birth control following a baby for health reasons (ie: to eliminate the risk of having multiple pregnancies back-to-back)?

To be honest, I wasn't sure what method was best for us. I'd been on The Pill (Ortho Try-Cyclen's generic) since I was 16 (not because I was sexually active, but because my parents felt it better to be prepared than to have a teenager with an unplanned pregnancy). So that was that and I never had any issues with it, or taking The Pill daily for that matter, for the lengthy 15 years I was on it.

It wasn't until Andi and I were ready to start trying for baby I realized how altering birth control is to a woman's body. Last November, I went off The Pill and started following the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) by taking my temperature every morning and charting it as so to predict ovulation. We were one of the lucky ones; a month later, I was pregnant.

One thing I realized when observing the Fertility Awareness Method (or rather, just going off birth control all together) was just how much I didn't know about my own body. I vaguely remember a high school health class or two discussing the female anatomy, but I can't say I ever retained any of that information. I was too busy making googly eyes at the boy sitting next to me! I also didn't realize just how powerful birth control hormones really are. I mean, wow, I took a pill every day for 15 years and never got pregnant. I stopped taking said "pill" for TEN DAYS and got pregnant. Whoa.

So, the big question before me - what birth control method is right for me now? Andi didn't seem to care much other than stressing that I physically BE on some sort of birth control. He isn't ready to put his faith in the FAM method (or in my ability to track ovulation) apparently. This left me to make the decision on my own and part of me felt scared to resume the entrance of such powerful, artificial hormone(s) into my body. But ... and that's a big BUT ... the other part of me is really nervous to get pregnant again. I know we'll have another baby someday, but I'm not ready for that day to be today.  Likely I would have a hard time conceiving anyway since I'm nursing, but I know this can't be relied on either.

After talking it over with my doctor, I decided to get the Mirena IUD. I hope I made the right decision. Everything sounded peachy when I was at the appointment and the little IUD was conveniently laying on the table, ready to be inserted. I liked the idea of not having periods (or very little) and the idea of not having to run to the pharmacy every month (again, I HATE calling things in and I always find myself scrambling at the last second to pick up my prescription). She made it sound so simple - when we'd like to try for another baby I just make an appointment, she removes the IUD and we're ready to start trying.

Isn't it funny how you hear about something EVERYWHERE you turn when it's happening in your life? Like breaking up with a boyfriend only to see his car or hear his name mentioned in every conversation. I've heard such negative press about the IUD since my appointment. And, uh, too late - I already got it. Some say it's the most painful procedure to have completed (although I hardly felt any pain at all - this is because I'm postpartum and my cervix is still soft) and how many crazy side effects people had once on it (mood swings, depression, etc). It's all making me very nervous to have entered into the world of birth control again.

Seriously, how did guys get off so easy?

The Flub

I never thought I'd say this, but postpartum clothes wearing is 17 million times WORSE than pregnancy wear. I have absolutely nothing to wear these days. I still have 10 pounds to lose to be back to pre-pregnancy weight (14 according to my doctor's scale and seriously, is SOMEONE going to fix that scale? It always reads heavy!). Not to mention my stomach is all sorts of, well, poochy. I find it funny how I thought my stomach was poochy before I was pregnant and now I realize I was smoking crack. That was not poochy, this is poochy and come to think of it, it's not all that funny after all.

Coupled with the fact that I gave myself absolutely no wiggle room in the sizing department pre-pregnancy, I have nothing in my closet that fits. Worse than not being able to close my jeans at all, I can squeeze into them and find myself sporting a glamorous muffin-top stomach instead. It's been unseasonably warm around here lately and somewhere between the move and not buying regular clothes for a year because I was preggo, I have no shirts that aren't t-shirts. It's apparent now that 2009 was a big Target graphic tee year for me and somehow those t-shirts look very adolescent to me now that I'm 30 and a mama.

So, I'm wearing maternity leggings and tank tops like they're going out of style. Which, I guess isn't that big of deal since I'm mostly at home during the day. BUT .... along come special events like the San Diego wedding we just attended or movie premieres like the one Andi asked me to attend with him last night. Have. Nothing. To. Wear.

After a crazy amount of complaining about my situation, Andi came home early yesterday and brought me a $100 Target gift card. "Go shopping" he said, "All by yourself. I've got the baby." I'm pretty sure I was squealing out of the drive-way before he finished his sentence (oh so long ago are the days I was terrified to leave Tory for an hour or two. Wait, that was actually last week, but whatev's).

I went to Target and found a few things I liked. I even tried them on in the store which, whoa, is a pretty big deal for me. I'm usually more in the camp of buying and promising to return the rejected items only to NEVER do as planned and let the crappy purchase hang in my closet un-worn. After trying on 20 items, I found 3 I was pleased enough to purchase. Why though did someone not warn me about dressing room lights and the deadly combination of a nasty linea nigra line down my stomach and my pasty white haven't-seen-the-light-of-a-tanning-bed in 9+ months body? Geez.

While changes to my body are COMPLETELY worth it as they resulted in my beautiful baby girl, it's going to take some getting used to as I settle into my new self image. Breastfeeding melts the pounds they say, and I suppose it has (down 27 pounds since Tory's birth) but WHEN will the rest come off? And how long before I start to feel like ME again? I guess the only bright spot is winter's approach. At least I don't have to sport a bikini anytime soon ....