Tory - 20 Weeks Old

Tory - 20 Weeks Old

It Gets Easier

Not so many weeks ago, I remember hyperventilating as the holidays approached. There was so much to do (decorate! bake! be crafty!) and I could barely find the time to take a shower. The feeling of motherhood was all-emcompassing and as I struggled to keep my head above water, I had to forgo all my favorite parts of Christmastime. "Old Heather" used to carefully select themes for my Christmas wrapping and hand-craft decor on every present. "New mom Heather" gifted presents with no name tags on them because I simply ran out of time.

Will this ever end, I wondered? Will I ever feel like myself again? I craved the idea of having a measly ten minutes to trim my fingernails, read blogs or accomplish anything with two hands.

If I could go back in time and tell myself one thing, it'd be IT GETS EASIER. Many people said it would but it was hard to see forward when I was so focused on putting one foot in front of the other. As I sit here typing on my laptop and watching the snow melt outside my window, I am relaxed and so content in my life. Tory is taking a nap in the other room and I am enjoying a few quiet minutes to myself; something I could never see happening a few weeks ago.

I'm finding more time to cook these days and it feels good to get back into the kitchen. Do I have a few hours to bake cookies or make elaborate meals? No. I'm definitely not there yet. I've learned to cook when a window of time opens in my schedule (even when it might be 9:00am) and I opt for meals with few steps and uncomplicated ingredients. I've had to walk away from a messy kitchen several times and the other day it took me three hours to assemble a lasagna, but the important part is I'M FIGURING IT OUT. Learning how to balance motherhood and the demands of a baby while finding myself again.

I know it won't always be like this. Someday I hope to have another baby and managing life with a newborn baby in the mix and toddling Tory will bring an entirely new set of challenges. Heck, who knows what the next few weeks will bring as Tory changes and develops. I know there will be many more days of uncertainty and hyperventilation ahead, but today it feels good to have life slow down enough to realize how lucky I have it.

RBCI + The Weekend

Red Bull Crashed Ice finally happened this weekend! I'm so unbelievably proud of my husband and his production team's tireless efforts for their part in such a spectacular event. These events are a big sacrifice for our family as it means my husband is away from home and our baby girl for days (sometimes weeks) on end with stress levels up to high heaven. More often than not, it sucks in the moment but seeing him in his element last night makes it all worth it - he is truly doing what he LOVES and where his talent is appreciated. I am SO PROUD of him.

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On Friday, my little brother Adam and his girlfriend Josi drove up from Nebraska to attend the event which took place in St. Paul this weekend. (My little brother didn't rush up here when I HAD A BABY this fall, but drove 7 long hours to attend a sporting event for his favorite brand. You know, priorities of a 21-year-old, right? Anyway, life isn't too exciting at my house these days (especially when Andi's not home). If I achieved one thing this weekend, it's the heavy level of birth control Tory gave my brother and his girlfriend (you're welcome, Mom) as both Adam and Josi were less than impressed with Tory's whining, fussing and general presence. Poor baby was sick with her first cold, it wasn't her fault! At one point I think my brother said, "wow babies are a lot of work, huh." Ha.

I always get a kick out of my brother's visits to the Twin Cities and how quickly he forgets we're not in Nebraska anymore. At 5:00pm on Friday, Adam and Josi decided they wanted to go to Mall of America. "I wouldn't leave right now," I said, "it's rush hour." They left anyway and I'm sure sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic the whole way there. I made a pot of chili they could snack on throughout the weekend and an egg bake for Saturday morning. The great part about hosting college kids for the weekend is any amount of home-cooked food was sure to impress. And it did. They were very good house guests, picked up after themselves and even put their dishes in the dishwasher. I always enjoy having him here.

My brother and his girlfriend did more shopping on Saturday afternoon while I stayed home with my sick lil' bug. Luckily Tory seemed to be feeling alright, just a running nose and cough (no fever). I debated whether I should attend RBCI at all with Tory feeling under the weather, but I planned to leave her with Grandma Janie and I knew she'd be in good hands. (If she would have had a fever, I think I would've stayed home though).

I invited my friends Jenna, Kristin and Kylie to the ice-cross event and my brother and Josi tagged along with us too. I was worried about parking and traffic getting there as they expected 75,000 people for the event but my wonderful husband gave me the inside scoop on where to go. (He knows me so well). We all loaded into my new mom car and we were off! It was so exciting walking into downtown St. Paul with crowds and crowds of people lining the streets. The backdrop of the Cathedral and the State Capitol were amazing. Once we arrived at the event, we split from my brother and his girlfriend. They wanted to be belly-up to the track for prime viewing.

This is the one and only photo we took of the four of us before some creep-o guy started talking to us. I blamed it on my pretty friend Kristin, she always attracts the weirdos!

L to R: Jenna, me, Kristin and Kylie

And I'm stealing a few photos from Andi's Facebook page to show the event because my camera took crappy pictures.

RBCI track with the Cathedral in the background.

Photo credit: Claire G.

Six Speed at work! Grant and Andi

Photo credit: Kim O.

Photo credit: Craig Madson Photography

There was an after-party but I decided to come home after the event. Most people likely weren't up with a baby all night so I'm using that as my cop-out for being so lame. Plus, Andi was still working so it's not like I would have been able to hang out with him anyway. He comes home (at some point) today, hooray! Tory Bean and I are so excited to have him home.

Sick Lil' Bug

Sleep training's on hold until further notice.

My little Tory Bean came down with her first cold yesterday and the poor girl is coughing and sneezing up a storm. I feel horrible for her, especially because she caught her cold from me. I did my best to wash my hands, disinfect our house and not breathe on her this week, but spreading germs is inevitable when I'm her primary caregiver.

Last night, I could hardly justify letting her soothe herself to sleep when she doesn't feel well. Plus, all I want to do is snuggle her and make her comfortable, even if that's all night long. Last night's sleep wasn't too bad all things considered. Typically, Tory usually takes a 20-minute nap around 5:30pm or 6:00pm or she's a complete mess by her 7:30pm bedtime so I upped our bedtime routine by an hour last night and she was asleep at 7:00pm. She was up at 11:30pm, 1:30am, 4:00am and 7:00am. Not awesome, but not as trying as her sleepless nights earlier this week.

For now, my biggest focus is helping Tory feel better. You can see it in her eyes ... she just doesn't feel her best.

Tough Love

Sleep training is like religion or politics. It's a sensitive topic and most parents have a passionate opinion about it one way or the other. I won't be making any friends when I say I've decided it's time to start sleep training Tory. I'm sure some of you thought I should have done this a long time ago and the rest of you are cursing me under your breath for my bad parenting decision but it's time for us.

Personally, I wouldn't have felt comfortable implementing sleep training until now because I genuinely believe Tory's little tummy was crying out in hunger. There were times not so many weeks ago she guzzled her milk down at a 3AM feeding and for that reason, I have no issue getting up in the middle of the night with her. Late night feedings are part of parenting.

Recently though, I've come to the realization she's playing games with me. When she cries at night, I go into her nursery and as I approach her crib she smiles and kicks her legs back at me as if she's saying "Hooray! Mommy's here!" I change her diaper and she babbles back and me, wiggling in excitement because she knows what's next. I snuggle her in the rocking chair and as I start to nurse her, she's instantly back to sleep. The little stinker isn't hungry at all, she only wants to be cuddled back to sleep.

And if I'm being completely honest, I don't mind cuddling her to sleep once or twice at night. Especially on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays when I haven't seen her as much as I'd like during the day, it's nice to spend some quiet snuggle time together. Lately though, a once-and-a-while wake-up (usually around Midnight and/or 3AM) has transitioned to every 1-2 hours and I started to realize someone was using Mommy as a clutch.

For the last two weeks, Tory's been putting herself to sleep at nap time so I know she capable of comforting herself. At the first sign of tiredness during the day, I lay her down in her crib and she falls fast to sleep. Sometimes it takes her a few minutes of fussing and sucking on her fingers to get there, but shortly she's off to dreamland. There's no reason she can't do the same in the middle of the night.

So last night, I decided it was time: sleep training time. Andi's working away from home for the next few days and I have the next four days off work; it's the perfect time to nip this in the bud. As tough as it is to listen to Tory fuss, it's even harder on my nerves if I'm also subjecting Andi to the misery. He works so hard and needs his sleep so I know I'll cave to Tory's late-night fussing if he's home with us. It's easier on me if I do it when it's just Tory and I.

Here's how last night went:

7:30PM - 8:00PM
Books, nurse, bedtime. Tory didn't eat very much, despite me trying to rouse her awake to take in a full feeding. She was asleep in her crib by 8:00PM.

11:00PM - 11:30PM
Tory cried from her crib. I let her fuss for a minute but the guilt of baby hunger got to me. Was she crying out because she didn't get a full feeding at 7:30PM? I got up to change and feed her. She hungrily ate and fell back asleep.

2:00AM - 2:05AM
I woke up, checked the time and realized Tory was still sleeping. Nice!

4:00AM - 4:20AM
Tory cried from her crib. I let her fuss for a minute and then decided to go in to change her diaper. As I changed her pants, she tried to eat my shirt-sleeve which made me wonder, was she hungry again? It had been 5 hours since she ate last. I decide to nurse her again. She ate and fell asleep.

6:00AM - 6:45AM
Tory cried from her crib. I decided to let her cry it out. I know she's not hungry now. Forty-five minutes of fussing / silence / pissed-off crying later, she fell back asleep on her own.

8:00AM - 8:10AM
Tory stirs from her crib, but falls back asleep.

9:00AM
Tory's up for the day!

Self-grade rating for CIO Night #1: C Average

My mental notes for tonight:

• Make sure Tory takes in a full feeding at bedtime so I don't second-guess myself whether she's hungry in the middle of the night.
• Aim for a minimum of 5-6 hours of sleep before offering to nurse. 
• Try not to change her diaper unless she really needs it.
• Work toward a consistent wake-up time / early morning feeding of 6:00AM (as this is when I need to feed her before I leave for work on Tuesdays / Wednesdays / Thursdays). 

We'll see how tonight goes ...

Rough Night

The last few nights have been rough on this ol' mama. Tory's decided she isn't a big fan of sleeping at night recently. I blame it on the dreaded 4 month sleep regression. I was sort of doubtful there was such a thing until she turned 4 months old and promptly began refusing to sleep longer than 1 1/2 - 2 hour periods at night ... now I'm hoping PRAYING this is just a phase she'll soon outgrow.

Last night went something like this:

7:30pm: Full-on meltdown. Cranky baby = stories, nurse and bedtime.

8:30pm: Andi came home from work. I stayed up and talked with him for a hour since our time together has been few and far between these days.

9:30pm: Lights out. (We're tired! Don't hate!)

11:30pm: Tory cries from her crib. I get her up, change and feed her. She falls back asleep.

12:00am: I crawl back in bed, only to have a gigantic coughing attack (I'm still battling this stupid cold). After coughing and coughing from bed, I finally get up to get a cough drop and some ice water to cool my throat. I walk around the kitchen a bit to calm my tickling throat.

12:30am: I crawl back into bed and drift off to sleep (sitting up no less, ugh!)

1:30am: Tory cries from her crib. I let her fuss to herself for a while hoping she'll go back to sleep. I know she's not hungry; she just ate two hours ago!

2:00am: Fussing turns to screaming and I finally get up with Tory. She's wide awake now and mad as all get out I left her in there so long. I change her diaper and nurse her back to sleep.

2:20am: I crawl back into bed. Cough, cough, blow my nose.

2:25am: Andi gets up. He's wide awake from all of Tory's noise. He jumps in the shower.

2:35am: I check Twitter and then fall back to sleep.

3:00am: Andi wakes me up. He's heading into the office because he can't sleep. He's got so much to do for this big work event taking place this weekend in St. Paul. He'll be working from there for the rest of the week. "See you Sunday," he says.

3:20am: I startle awake to a sound in the house. I forgot I set the dishwasher to "timed start" so it'd run in the middle of the night. Normally I wouldn't hear it, but since I'm in such a in-and-out slumber it scares me half to death. I check the time and Facebook via my cell phone. Andi posted this picture of his office. Apparently, some of his employees were burning the midnight oil when he arrived into work.

3:30am: I fall back asleep.

4:00am: Tory's awake. I listen to her fuss for a minute and then remember last time. With a glance at the clock, I realize I have to be up in less than two hours for work. I might as well go in to her nursery and soothe her back to sleep.

4:25am: I crawl back into bed and fall asleep. Dang, this mama is tired!

5:30am: My alarm sounds. Oh man, how I wish today wasn't a work day!

5:45am: I hit snooze twice and now finally force myself out of bed. No shower for me today; I'm running way behind.

6:10am: I wake Tory to nurse her before I leave for work. Normally she wakes up around 6:00am to eat but she finally decided to sleep. Silly girl!

6:30am: Out the door.

7:00am: I'm at work and it's going to be a loooong day. Need caffeine STAT.

Tory - 19 Weeks Old

Tory - 19 Weeks Old

(and this is how our weekly photo sessions usually end)