Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Peaks and Valleys

When people ask me if I enjoy staying home with Tory, my answer is always "absolutely!" I really am so lucky to be with my little girl day in and day out. Ninety-eight percent of the time, our days are filled with fun activities and making memories. I love being there when Tory discovers something new, reading books mid-day with her and having less life stresses so my focus can completely be on her.

There's only been a couple times in the last six months where I've questioned my decision to stay home with her. Maybe question is too strong of a word ... more like, wish in moments of frustration I could just walk away, go to work and mindlessly surf the Internet or have a real adult conversation. Last January was one of those times where Tory had a tough few weeks and I was utterly spent. She bawled for (what seemed like) three weeks straight in late December/early January about what bib I picked out for her to wear, what I made her for breakfast, and of course naps and bedtime. Nothing I did was right. It was a definite low point in my parenting career, enough that it sticks out in my brain as "the time when parenting sucked."

At 19 months old, Tory hit another one of these "rough patches." I suppose if I took the time to read about her development in this stage of the game in a parenting book or on the Internet, I'd probably learn it's common for toddlers to force their independence at this age. It's been four weeks of solid tantrums for Tory and I'm left feeling run-down and exhausted. To make matters worse, it's a super busy time at work for Andi and I'm on the first leg of many, many weeks of solo parenting. (Same as in late December/early January, ironically.) Like last time, nothing I do for her is the right decision. She tells me she wants to sit in her booster seat at the table and then erupts into full-on rage when I lift her into that chair. She wants to be carried all day long while we're at home and the minute I set her down on her feet, she screams and throws herself on the floor. When we're out and about town, she insists on walking by herself (how dare I carry her in public!) and when I refuse to let her walk solo through a parking lot, she kicks and flails in my arms until I can barely hang onto her any longer. I feel like an idiot parent who can't control their kid. There was one of those embarrassing my-kid-is-uncontrollable episodes while out to lunch with friends last weekend and while my friend Val swears it wasn't that bad, I was completely frazzled by the time we left.

Two nights ago, Tory threw a tantrum because I wouldn't pick her up while cleaning up dinner. In the time it took me to rinse off her high chair tray and load a few dishes into the dishwasher (five minutes, tops), she escalated into a royal tantrum, throwing herself on the floor. I ignored her and walked down the hallway to her room to pick out pajamas for bedtime, thinking she'd soon get over herself and follow me for bath time. She followed me, still screaming at the top of her lungs, as I poured her a bath and placed her in it. She continued to tantrum, stomping around in the tub until I pulled her out of there and wrestled to dry her off. I finally walked away out of sheer frustration and let her finish her episode. She calmed down 10 minutes later when I went to her and offered a hug. I kind of feel like I gave into her tantrum, but by that point I just wanted the screaming to stop.

Parts of every day in the last four weeks have been this way. Of course there are stretches where she's happy and silly and if I took the time to document each episode, I'm sure I'd realize the tantrums aren't as bad as they seem. It's just that there's been many, many days lately where I've collapsed into bed at 7:30pm, exhausted, with a pounding headache from constant parenting struggles with her. This post isn't meant to be a "woe is me" complaint session, but to serve as perspective in my parenting journey. Someday when Tory's future brother or sister is 19/20 months old and I refer back to this stage with Tory, I'll remember it's just a phase in toddlerhood of which I lived to see the other side. (Here in the thick of it, it's just hard to see past the thunderstorm).

6 comments:

  1. Ugh, those phases are SO HARD. I feel like Luke changes daily and some days he's just ragefully pissed about life and then is fine a minute later, but there seem to be VERY FEW phases of time where he's all good for actual whole days or weeks.

    Annie's phases are more like weeks-months - which is good when it's good, obviously, but SO BAD when it's bad. There was a particular point early last summer that was just awful with her, with just constant meltdowns and tiptoeing around her like we were in an abusive relationship and worried about setting her off. Hoo boy. Toddlers!!

    Anyway, especially basically doing this completely on your own, never ever feel guilty for doing what you need to do to get by - whether that is a regular sitter, housecleaner, TV time, whatever... making sure YOU remain sane despite her peaks and valleys is the most important thing!!

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  2. I find that things go downhill when Uri is away... The kids notice something is different. Plus, there is no break of any kind, no comic relief. I am having a crap day today... It happens. Staying at home is a better life for me overall too but it can be frustrating.

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  3. A hug was probably just what she needed by that point. It is not giving in.

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  4. Paul is 22 months and I'm dealing with the same thing. It's driving me CRAZY.

    "Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red?"

    "Wed! No, boo! Wed! NO, NOT WED, BOO. WAAAAAAAH, I can't believe you're putting this blue shirt on meeeeeee."

    And that's just the first five minutes of the day. It doesn't matter if I let him choose, make the choice myself without input, try to sneak attack, or what. He wails every time I get him dressed about how he doesn't WANT to wear THAT.

    (Sometimes I just leave his pajamas on all day.)

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  5. You can't go wrong with a hug. ;)

    I don't think you ever have to consider that giving in, during these early years kids are learning so much so quickly, their little brains are on overdrive and their frustration and confusion with all of that going on developmentally rears its ugly head through tantrums. It sucks, FOR SURE, but giving in would be buying the toy because she's throwing a tantrum in the store, or giving her candy instead of dinner because she's throwing a fit. A hug is just a loving way of showing her that you get it, that it's hard to be her, and that you'll always be there for her. :)

    It is SO HARD though, I hear you. So hard to be patient, so hard to keep your eye on the end-game. You're doing great.

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  6. I agree with AliRose that you can't go wrong with a hug. I think about the days I am in a bad mood. Sometimes I take that out on my husband and if he responds in a comforting way it certainly works wonders. I know she is a child and doesn't have the life experiences to know better (like we are supposed to), but it's not like you're giving in all the time. I find it to be a hard balance - do I let me child have her tantrum on the floor or do I try to comfort her. I'm probably not very consistent in my method so hopefully that doesn't screw my kid up too. :)

    And while you're at it give yourself a big hug. I can't imagine all the direct/solo parenting. I'm lucky to have the hubby around a lot.

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