It's Time

Yesterday afternoon, I made a bottle of formula, sat down in the rocking chair and fed it to Tory. And like a unintentioned dagger to the heart, she drank it.

WEEP.

I'm throwing in the towel on nursing. I guess my body has decided it's time. After two and a half months of popping fenugreek and Mother's Milk pills, drinking tons of water and eating oatmeal with limited results, I'm coming to the realization my body is done nursing my baby. But am I ready? No. Yes? I guess I have to be.

As I laid in bed last night, wide awake at 4:00am after my third wake-up with Tory in less four hours, I tried to understand why this is happening to me. Isn't a mother's body designed to produce milk for her baby? Why is mine puttering out just a few months after it started? Why do some moms have such an oversupply but I don't? What did women do in biblical times when their bodies stopped producing milk and the alternative wasn't as simple as a can of formula? I suppose it's been happening to women throughout time and like me, they probably moved on to the next best option - cow's or goat's milk at the time.

Thankfully, Tory seems to be accepting the transition better than I am. I was worried she wouldn't take a bottle from me (as has been the case in past months) but it's almost like she knows it's time. Scratch that - I'm fairly certain she's ready. I don't think she's been getting enough to eat. Yesterday for example, I nursed her at Noon and she slept for an hour which is fairly standard. She woke up happy, but started to fuss about a half hour later. Knowing I likely didn't have much milk left and half wondering, I went into the kitchen and made a bottle of formula. As we walked back into her nursery together, Tory was already grabbing at the bottle in my hand and down-right guzzled the bottle once we sat down. The poor girl was hungry! I held back a few tears as my heart shattered right there on her nursery floor. I know it's such a silly thing for me to be so worked up over a stupid bottle of formula, but it made me feel like I was depriving my child of food. I let out a deep breath, realizing I was clenching my teeth and waiting for her to bock at taking a bottle, and tried to focus on rocking her in my arms. I expected her to want me, to demand to nurse, but she didn't. She drank her bottle, sat up and smiled and we went on with our day.

It's no secret we're still waking up a bazillion times a night over here, and I'm starting to wonder if hunger is the root cause. Last night before bedtime (which was an hour and a half after she ate a full serving of rice cereal and squash for dinner), I made Tory another bottle of formula. I know she went to bed with a full belly but like clockwork, she woke up again around Midnight. I nursed her back to sleep and she woke up again at 3:00am. I fed her again, but she mostly pacified herself back to sleep. A few minutes later, she cried out again until 3:45am I finally made her a bottle and went in to feed her. Tory drank the bottle, I laid her in her crib and she went right to sleep. She was still sleeping when I left for work this morning at 7:00am. I'm not sure what to think. Has she been hungry after nursing and that's why she wakes up so frequently at night? Or is she conditioned to wake up at Midnight and 3:00am and does so out of habit more than anything? Where is the manual for this child?!

In my mind, I thought the nursing transition would happen gradually over a few weeks. I'll slowly replace one nursing session with a bottle feeding, I told myself to make it an easier pill to swallow. It seems though, Tory is dictating another course of action. I brought my pump into work this morning and I'll try to pump a few times a day like I always do but I'm fairly certain I'll have little results. Looks like my Tory Bean will be bottle fed by the weekend.